some thoughts on what it takes to get going

The isolating lie we all tell all the time.

This week has been crazy with rehearsals, auditions, concerts, and papers all converging at the same time. It has come on the heels of many disappointments, rejections, and resulting internal doubt.

And when I get so tired, I cannot sleep, feeling more overwhelmed, sad, and plain run through the ringer. I want to hide out in bed, hibernating until spring finally comes.


My final frontier in my time as a student is to be satisfied with my sound,
making a full circle to my very first audition on the viola at 11,
where I was told I sounded too much like a violinist.
Ever since then, it has been my achilles' heel,
and has manifested itself through my performance anxiety and lack of confidence in a big way.

I have been on a reading kick about the roles that optimism and grit play in success,
and have been on the warpath to finally "fix" something that has been a criticism ever since.

The conversation arose that a musical sound is in essence a communication between two people,
being nurtured by an ever more vivid imagination for possibilities, colors, and ultimately love,
with these organized sound waves as a medium that that connects us in a way that is uniquely our own.

I love words, but they often fail me when it comes to getting across what I actually meant,
and I became excited that I could expand my concepts of person-to-person communication
to different kinds of vibration beyond what the mouth and brain put forth.

I get so wrapped up in physical adjustments on my instrument
that this metaphysical approach caught me by surprise, and has given me pause.
When I asked what I can do to increase my aural imagination,
the response was to allow myself to dream more, to get lost in what moves me.
I essentially was begging for a prescription to fix something I thought I just did not understand,
and was told instead that I should shift my lens to something much more internal.
Although I know it is not a simple fix, I have started to listen to my instrument differently,
and I feel like I have found the room to grow again.

What makes you get going in your struggles?
What gives you the confidence to change?
What would you fill in the blank?

Getting up and running.

via {indexed}