why this?

I have been having a true crisis of confidence lately about why in the world music is relevant,
and why what I do has any value if so many other people are so much better at it,
especially if I do not have that driving passion that makes me crazy obsessive,
especially because I have a hard time wanting to pay for it, and wonder why patrons should,
especially because I have not enjoyed it as a listener lately.
I have been seeking out some answers that go beyond the normal fluff,
fluff like "music can save the world" or "music makes you smarter"
or "music makes the world more beautiful," etc. etc. etc.,
things I do believe in, but statements that are not enough.

This quote resonated with me in that I was happy to discover
that I do know that I am looking for some meaning beyond the visible and obvious.

Step 1 is ok.
And I realized that maybe I need to be ok with cobbling together a series of baby steps,
rather than wanting some grand philosophical idea that makes everything else fit neatly into place.
Although I really do love it when everything fits together in a beautiful, organized package,
it should be ok that reasons are a messy patchwork, right?

"The artist suspects that it is not the object nor the likeness of the object that he is working for, but a particle of life behind the visible. Here he comes face to face with the real things of life; no assistance can be given him, he cannot hire a boy in gold buttons to open the door to the Muse, nor a clerk nor an accountant to do the drudgery. He is alone with his problem and drifts away from superficial portrayals. After this he strives to find the spiritual meaning of things and to transmit the secret to the layman."

AMERICAN ARCHITECT, BERNARD MAYBECK 

(1862-1957)

via {reilly brennan}