internal musings

The topic of true honesty, self-deception and the ego have weighed heavily on my mind lately.

My year of being back in school has been such a struggle of learning to be humble,
staying open to critique without derailing my confidence,
finding contentment in my solitude while valuing new and wonderful friends,
and remaining grateful for the small details and large life changes.

Despite the overall pretty picture I have in my mind and the gratitude I feel for the year,
there has been a very steep learning curve, musically, intra-personally and internally.
I have shed several tears over my lack of skill, my blunders, and my small-mindedness.

Angi, your encouragement from a few months ago has stuck with me,
namely how unhelpful it is beat oneself up with angry words or bitter reproach,
no matter how drastic or humiliating our private mistakes are.

My friend recently mentioned that how we treat ourselves manifests itself in how we treat the world.
If we are judgmental and unforgiving of our weakest, most blatant faults,
how can we expect to be kind and loving to our neighbor?

Finally getting to watch the lovely documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi,
Jiro, the shokunin, or artisan, stated that
in order to make delicious food, one must eat delicious food.
I feel the same way about my playing, my musical and artistic interactions with other people,
and the same way about my friendships, my heart-to-heart interactions with other people.

Again, Angi, your Mongolian thought about seeing with a more generous heart
has stuck with me so resolutely this year.

Thank you for always being so patient and generous towards me,
for always listening, for gentle optimism and practical solutions.
Hab dich so lieb!

"The essence of love is perception. Therefore the essence of self love is self perception. You can only fall in love with someone you can see clearly--including yourself. To love is to have eyes to see. It is only when you see yourself clearly that you can begin to love yourself." (Marc Gafni)

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